Filming a movie about me

That's right...some production company thinks my race walking skills are sooooo good they are going to film a movie about me. For a while I resisted because race walking is a personal thing and most people just don't understand it, but if they can make race walking more popular by exploiting my incredible skills, then I am OK with it.

Joggers Suck - their sport sucks, the athletes suck

So I saw these two guys jogging down the street (crappy for your knees), so he stops me, and says, "What the hell are you supposed to be?" So I told him "race walking, haven't you heard of it?". He called me a doofus, so I said "Where did you get your shoes? Joggertown?? Or maybe Runner's World".

Then he goes, "Is that supposed to be an insult?", and then I say "If the shoe fits, bitch".

New Web Site

But first a couple updates. I broke with my girlfriend who doesn't understand race walking. She thinks that love is more important than winning.

My new web site will be up in a couple days. I will add links to my new video which is located here: hhttp://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=8497047791804572025&q=the+race+walker

Salvation Army 2K in Calabasas, CA

I racewalked the Salvation Army 2K this weekend in Calabasas, CA. I did OK, but did not place very high. Some of my favorites cheaters like Frank showed up. Hey Frank, since you don't know how to race walk correctly, perhaps you should just bring your bicycle to the next race. If you are going to cheat, you might as well just go all the way.

See you all at the next race :-)

Champion Again

This time it's for keeps! I walked a practice race against my neighbor, and creamed her. We did a mock 5K race walk from the Santa Monica Pier to Playa del Rey (maybe you saw me on Saturday), and I beat Merideth by about two minutes. Eat my dust, Merideth!!! Afterwards, we ate hot dogs with extra ketchup. Merideth can put them down, she ate five hot dogs, and I ate one.

RaceWalk coming up on August 20th in Calabasas. Stay tuned fans

Ramsey

I will address some of the questions!

While I was having adventures in DisneyWorld I received a good amount of fanmail/questions. I will address some now:

Ramsey, what happens when you get sick during a race?
- Concerned Carrie, Duluth

Carrie,
Like many of my brethren, I have the ability to racewalk and vomit at the same time. This may seem a bit unnatural, but when you're closing in on your last 3K and your knees are starting to feel stiff, you simply can't afford to stop along the racetrack/path for spewage. Turning my neck a complete 90 degrees away from my midsagittal plane to either side, I am able to vomit a steady stream without sullying myself or the other racers. It is a crazy thing to see, but entirely essential to success in racewalking.

Are you gay?
- Tucker, Madison

Tucker,
I have been getting asked this one quite a bit! For the record, no, I am not homosexual, however I am an advocate for homosexuality as well as all other forms of sexuality (hetero, bi, trans, etc). I do not discriminate against anyone based on sexual orientation because I think that's ignorant and stupid. Anyone who throws around these hurtful words obviously needs a reality check!

Ramsey, you are extremely hot! Do you have a girlfriend???
- Jamie, Chicago xxoo

Jamie,
I am as they say "In Between Girlfriends," and am not currently actively seeking anyone due to my extreme dedication to racewalking. I had a recent encounter that convinced me that I need to be focused on my career of racewalking, much like the Jedi must constantly keep sound minds, clear of fear and hate. Perhaps at some other juncture in my life I'll be a' lookin'! And when that happens, I'll give you a holler!

Are you really a racewalker, I mean professionally? What about all the people who say you're a phony??
- Greg, Boise

Greg,
The only thing more hurtful than being called derrogatory terms referring to my misconstrued sexual orientation is to be called a phony! Racewalking is MY LIFE. Don't ever doubt that.

Who is Gunner Thompson?
Curious in Seattle

Curious,
First, let me clarify that this is not Gunner Thompson. The Gunner I know is a twirp and a total CHEATER. Gunner is my arch nemesis, much like Sherlock Holmes had a Professor Moriarty. I went to high school with Gunner who was the champion shotputter of our region. He won a ton of medals and all the girls loved him, much to my disgust. When I started to become the school's racewalking star, Gunner decided he couldn't stand to see anyone share his spotlight (hello, teamwork??). As a result, Gunner tried out for racewalking and was admitted, despite the fact that he is a total hack. (He only got accepted because the team had only three people). Needless to say, Gunner thinks he is amazing at everything, but he is by far one of the worst CHEATING racewalkers ever, and that's the only thing worse than just a BAD racewalker. Judges seem to go easy on him because of his dashing looks. It is SO unfair! But still, I manage to keep a few steps ahead of that scamp!

That's enough for now, whew!

Ski Ball Champion - Yeah

Yesterday, I got 350,000 on ski ball at the Santa Monica Pier with 9 balls. That is a very high score, so I won a lot of tickets. I am SURE that nobody has ever scored that high before. I started getting excited and yelling, and a nine year old girl saw me and gave me four of her tickets because she saw how happy I was. I wouldn't have hesitated to throw one of the ski balls in Gunner Thompson's face if he was around - EVEN if it would have cost me the ski ball championship, because I don't care about ski ball. I only care about race walking. I used 70 tickets on a stupid nerf gun.


Ski Ball is Nothing Compared to Race Walking!

Lost Chance for Love

For the first time in two years, I had a girl in my bedroom, but I couldn't close the deal. She just left very upset because I could not perform in bed. I told her that I have to keep my legs straight - not bent - because those are the rules of race walking. This made things akward, and then she left. At least I didn't compromise the sport I love - racewalking. And I can still beat Gunner!!

Chuck E. Cheese Gophers!!

Not all of my life is about racewalking. That game at Chuck E. Cheese where you have to hit the gophers down really pissed me off today. I kept trying to hit them over with that puffy hammer thing, but those little fuckers just kept going back into their holes before I could hit them. I’ll fucking destroy those gophers next time I see them. The pizza was OK, but the people I was with made me sit at the end of the table after yelling at the gophers.

Competing Against Myself

Racewalking is basically my life. I have been doing it for about a year and a half now, and competitively for the last eight months. I’m really happy racewalking because I can compete at my own personal level. I feel as if I am the only one on racing against myself, except, of course, for the other racewalkers in the race.

Training

Training is a critical part of racewalking, and you have to be ready to give it your all. I train almost every day, but even at the most difficult times. You must train anytime you can to race ahead. Last year, I continued training even after I had strained my pelvis during stretching. My doctor (Dr. Medford) says it’s OK for me to racewalk with a strained pelvis (as long as it doesn’t hurt too much), but he doesn’t understand how someone would strain their pelvis. I told him he should try racewalking!!

Happy Birthday to me!

Well, it was my birthday on Friday! The big 2-5. Ew. That makes me feel so old. Mom and dad took me to MEDIEVAL TIMES, all the way down in Buena Park. The place is so awesome because it actually looks like a castle on the outside. However, as a cruel joke on me (not so cruel in hindsight!) Mom didn't tell me we were going there! Instead, she told me we were going to World on Wheels for roller disco night, and thus I dressed accordingly. With my tube socks and favorite cut-off tee and blue shorts, they took me in the car (blindfolded) all the way to Buena Park. I remember thinking "Gee, I didn't think it took this long to get to West Hollywood."

Anyways, in the parking lot they took off the blindfold and they also had changed clothes. It was kind of mortifying to see them dressed in robin hood clothes, but it was kind of more mortifying to be dressed for a roller derby as I was, in front of a castle.

But, as I have learned in all my years of racewalking training: roll with the punches. You know? NOTHING WILL GET RAMSEY CARLSON DOWN. And anyways, they're my parents, so of course they meant well. It was really nice of them to take me out on my birthday. Unfortunately Chuck and Tim were unable to come out too, which was a total bummer. (Almost as devastating as the time when Jenny dumped me on my birthday two years ago.)

The jousting totally owned, until the dude in yellow fell off his horse and got carried out on a stretcher. They were also out of turkey drumsticks (thus destroying my ultimate dream of re-enacting a certain obscure Robin Hood parody from Star Trek the Next Generation).

The cute waitress dropped my jug of mead all over my shorts, so we had to end the night early.

On the plus side, I got a new pair of New Balance's as a present! I have been breaking them in all over the Santa Monica pier the past few days.

Trouble on the road!

Today I was given a really simple errand by my mother: borrow the car, drive to Ralph's and pick up some fresh cut flowers for nana. Should be a simple task, right? I mean, I have my license and everything. Welllllll, no, no it was not a simple task today. I pulled up to this intersection where this crazy woman on rollerblades (she looked homeless except for the rollerblades) being pulled by a great dane comes flying out of nowhere. She slams into the side of my mom's Nissan Sentra! What the hell? You know? And then she just keeps skating! And doesn't stop!

I pulled over to the side of the road to inspect the damage, only to have the unexpected happen: this "dent" in the door somehow managed to damage the car's interior locking system!! Somehow the woman's flying body colliding with the humble steel of the car's frame BROKE the locks. I could not exit the car! To make matters worse, the CD player in the car was broken as well (it broke last Christmas), but not in the way one would expect: it never stops playing and you cannot change the CD! So I was stuck listening to mom's favorite single, "Everybody Have Fun Tonight" by Wang Chung on repeat (my mom has yet to leave the 80s or something).

I had to bang on my window like a maniac for about an hour before anyone stopped to help me! Wang Chung was beginning to torture me mercilessly. I was also horribly shamed and embarassed when it was revealed to me that I could have rolled down the windows and crawled out at any point. Sometimes I'm really dumb. Thankfully I didn't have training today because when I got out of that car I was so dehydrated that I needed two red punch Gatorades.

I gave nana some Werther's Originals to make up for everything. Somehow hard candy just doesn't really compare to fresh cut flowers.

I think I will go watch some Macguyver to make me feel better.

I've moved!

Well hello everyone! I sure have been busy this last week or so! I've moved from my parent's converted garage to my very own studio in Long Beach! Sadly I could not afford to stay in Santa Monica even if I wanted to (the mental expenditure required to continue residing with parental units as well as the physical cost of living on one's own in an expensive city). However, I can go home anytime I like, and will have access to all my favorite racewalking vistas via my bountiful patience and bus pass! If I ever get around to getting my own digital camera, I will post pictures.

I wanted to pass along a link. It's a wiki-style article explaining the MOST AMAZING GAME EVER TO EXIST called "50K Racewalker" (if you click this link you can play it!). Seriously, it's almost as fun as the actual sport. Are you up to the challenge???

One other thing!

Oh!

And the weirdest one:

Gunner Thompson gets into some sort of accident and I go to visit him at the hospital (clearly this IS a dream). However, while in his hospital room the very pallid-looking Gunner arises from his coma and his limbs begin to expand and grow. All of a sudden he is armed with bio-organic sushi arm canons, and he pummels me with foul raw fish until (in actual reality) I awoke in a cold sweat, short of breath.

I love the concept of sushi, even it's presentation. But I cannot eat it due to some irrational terror of it. (I just don't know!). Needless to say, a sushi arm canon of any sort would indeed kill me. Kill me, dead! Yikes!

All these dreams seem to center around the theme of killing/death. A quick look at the dream dictionary assures me to not worry, that if anything, a big change is coming.

Change is good!

Dreaming!

Having to explain how one manages to injure the back of one's leg while going UP some stairs makes my head dizzy! Thankfully, dizziness aside, I have been resting up and healing wonderfully. However, I have been taking medications to kill the pain and as a result, have been having the weirdest lucid dreams ever!

In one I am sitting on a chair in an empty room that is painted an unearthly shade of green. The chair rises off the ground, hovers, and I hear invisible villagers chanting, calling for my death (I think) in an ancient language, possibly Aramaic. Pies start to fly out of the walls, as if the walls are holographic. A penguin-spider descends from the ceiling and begins to sing "Pressure" by Billy Joel. I realize I am bound to the chair by clear vinyl bondage tape.

My friend from childhood Kelly is in my kitchen peeling potatoes and asking me if I have ever killed a man before. She is wearing a parka emblazoned with Klingon visages and while she speaks, the intense feeling that she is, in fact, harboring both Lursa and B'tor beneath her Bergundtal cloth/polyurethane-blend sheath begins to plague me.

Woah.

Bruised ego!

I was out doing some racewalking drills as is my wont and I got to some heavy thinking. This is a list of my poignant thoughts:

The Teacups at Disneyland provide a terrifying venue for self-discovery

Six is always enough

Tubesox could conceivably be unisex (...if they aren't?)

Unisex is a great word

Unitard is a better word

In other news, I injured my left Achilles tendon after I tripped up the stairs in front of Ikea. I had heard there was a massive sale on DIODs, BALSÖs and ÄPPLARÖs. In an excited fever I broke into a sprint and THAT is why I fell. (Never again!). I feel very ashamed. And I ended up not getting ANYTHING except an icepack and an attitude adjustment!

Arts & crafts!

Did you know that you can make your own bath bombs?? And I'm not talking explosives, unless an awesome bath that explodes your mind with its awesomeness is the order of the day! Now, I know these bath fizzy things are more for the ladies, but after a tough day of racewalking it's nice to soak sore muscles. I am man enough to admit that fizzy baths are unisex and awesome. Not that my manhood was at all questionable. Not that I care whether my manhood was questioned or not.

The internet is filled with so many awesome things! Did you also know that you can use a coke can and some chocolate to start a fire if you're stuck out in the woods with no matches? I wonder why you would have coke and chocolate but no matches.... Anyways. I'm a man!

And another thing!

Speaking of good times, I just had the most startling realization. I was eating some Ego Waffles and putting some Aunt Jemima's syrup on them. As a kid, I always loved maple syrup, it's viscosity and all-around deliciousness. WERE YOU AWARE THAT AUNT JEMIMA'S IS NOT IN FACT MAPLE SYRUP?? It is just SYRUP! I had no idea! When I tasted some real maple syrup (a gift from my friend Rick, who visited me from Vermont last month) I threw it across the room! It tasted awful! I feel like my whole life has been a lie.

Be happy people!

We live in such a cynnical world! If you can't laugh at yourself, if you can't be vulnerable and poke fun at the silly lives we've built, then how can we ever be happy??

I'm Ramsey Carlson and I love myself. I love who I am and everything I am about. People give me weird looks and raised eyebrows and you know what I give them? A grin and an outstretched hand!!! I love this world and everything I do! This is a beautiful world!

I'm Ramsey and I'll never get too personal. Life shouldn't be taken too seriously, you know? JUST HAVE FUN! The world is a laugh, a lungful of air, a good time waiting to happen!

EW!

I am munching on some of those new Smoothie-Mix flavored Skittles and they are GROSS! At first they tasted pretty good, a little mellow, almost smooth. But I don't know what it is! The aftertaste is awful! I feel like an army of Peeps marched up my esophagus to die in my mouth! Did I say marched? I meant racewalked!

Internet savvvvvy!

I am branching out! I now have a LiveJournal as well! ADD ME!!

Jogging horrifies me!

So I was racewalking around the pier today with my old school walkman, listening to Jock Jams from '93 (which is an awesome tape) when I saw this gorgeous girl jogging towards the beach. Beautiful limber legs, golden, sun-kissed hair. Impeccable posture.

Now normally I would not venture onto the beach because the sands are not conducive to good racewalking form, but I guess my hormones got the better of me!

I followed her, but, unwilling to break form and enter into a jog or sprint, I was unable to catch up to her. I enjoyed her from afar, wishing she'd realize the virtues of racewalking. Like, I was hoping to see her evolve into this being of higher understanding. I mean, really really craving to see her light up and become cognizant of the fact that jogging is so sloppy and disgusting, kind of like the obese landmonster of the sporting world. That is how I think of jogging. There's no form! No discipline! Just joints eroding away due to complete negligence! Bopping and bouncing, god. Like a bunch of drunken gazelles! It's too horrible for me to talk about anymore. I should stop before I ruin my entire day.

I'm all heated now. I think I should go get some Sunny D to calm me down.

I would make a great racewalking counselor!

I have been looking for a summer camp job where I could be a racewalking coach but so far have not really had any luck finding anything. I think I would make an excellent coach, personally.

I was playing through some teaching scenarios in my head, all of which are directly influenced by my first racewalking coach Herb McCallister.

I remember being in eleventh grade and getting disqualified for the first time and how heartbreaking it was. Me and this cluster of guys (Ricky, Tony, Eric V. and Chuck) were in our last stretch, racewalking over the final hill when I heard the shriek of a whistle that stopped my heart. Coach was all redfaced and shouting my name and waving his arms. I kept going with the guys, thinking that maybe he was just cheering me on, and that the whistle was perhaps of the celebratory variety.

I crossed the finish line and coach ran up to me asking me what was wrong with me. I had no idea what he was talking about and then he just started chanting WATCH THAT KNEE WATCH THAT KNEE.

This was the first and only time I was ever disqualified for bent knee, because all I ever needed was this one time.

I would teach my aspiring young racewalkers that they need to watch the knees and focus on heel-toe-heel-toe. This way they will keep that coveted straight leggedness.

It would be to my student's benefit to do drills with weight belts or something. Anything to keep their feet in order! Maybe some karate drills to emphasize the necessary short armstrokes to succeed.

I would have them all chant my mantras:
RACEWALK TO SUCCESS
ARMSTROKES MUST CHOP, THEN YOU CAN'T STOP
LIVE IT AND LOVE IT

And I guess I would add WATCH THAT KNEE to the list now too.

I would also require a healthy inspirational diet:

Tons of Journey and Boston

Whitney Houston posters and/or David Hasslehof posters (depending on aesthetic preference) all over the locker room

Awesomely coordinated sweat and wrist bands

Spongebob shoelaces

A plentiful supply of baby carrots

Man, I would totally rule at this. Someone should hire me! In fact, someone should create this job for me and THEN hire me!

The feeling inside.

I wrote this totally awesome song today on the bus, on my way to the park for my workout. I thought I'd share it with you guys! Please give me some feedback! I think it is kind of a soft rock candidate. A lot of delicate yet metal-to-the-core guitars, maybe a sax. Anyways, enjoy!!!

The wind whisking by,
Perspiring all the while,
My dreams come to life,
with every stride.

Because racewalking's 'bout strength,
inside and out,
not about rackets or balls,
there's no need to shout.

CHORUS
The race is on,
no sprinting, oh no, no no
it's a race and a fight,
a battle for what's right,
it's a race and a walk,
it's a racewalk,
that's right.

When your dream's in the stride,
you just can't be snide,
cuz the strut and the glide,
makes life oh so kind.

CHORUS REPEAT

Regional's coming up,
time to make it right.
Train and crosstrain,
tighten those calves.
Don't fall victim to the dark force of the sprint,
or your soul,
you know,
will end up in broken halves.

Racewalking's 'bout strength,
both inside and out,
don't forget it,
these words of mine you should shout!

CHORUS 2X
Fade out

Creatine, anyone?

Hey fans, I was wondering what everyone's opinion is regarding powdered creatine versus liquid creatine. I was walking through the mall today for a little field research (I like to study how fervent shoppers breeze through the stores, and I tell you, I've seen some pretty crazy techniques, many of which I will detail later when I've collected my thoughts). I noticed a lot of health-enhancing kiosks where various drinks, powders and pills are sold for the purpose of making atheletes the best they can be. Creatine really caught my eye as a couple of the packages had virile-looking men in mid-stride; they probably weren't racewalking, but they were participating in some sort of racing or walking sport. Very inspirational to say the least!

Frankly, I do not know a thing about creatine other than it will beef up my calf muscles, rendering me possibly the greatest racewalker to ever grace the surface of the earth with his Legs of Unparalleled Power. Well, I don't have proof that this will happen, but it IS something I believe WILL come true, when I finally choose which creatine supplement I should be taking. It's not illegal, right? I don't want to break sacred international racewalking protocol on the one hand (on the off-chance that this enhancement is illegal), but I do want my body to be in Beyond Divine condition. Who should I talk to?

My dream girl

This Elysian beauty is Kjersti Plätzer and she is the perfect woman. Look at her stride!! A perfect Norwegian goddess of the racewalk. Too bad she's married tho. If she'd met me first, I know it would've been love at first sight!

What do you guys think:


I think the song "I Want to Run to You" by Whitney Houston is the perfect song for a wedding. We will racewalk down the aisle to it, mark my words. People, comment on how you think Kjersti and I will make the perfect couple!

Race Walking is about strength - inwards and outwards 

Race Walking is my entire life. You can't stop my strut! 

Race Walking is Hard Work! 

I'm the man!! 

CHEATER

In the March 5th Regional Racewalk, Taylor McComb CHEATED!!!! Here is a picture of him cheating. This is clearly an illegal stride - He did not complete his double support phase during the entire 4th kilometer. Anyone who knows the slightest bit about racewalking knows that Taylor should have been disqualified. I am appalled!!


FRAUD!!!!

State Championship is my Goal

My goal is to win the Racewalking State Championship, and to beat the raining champion Gunner Thompson in the process. I’ll beat him if it’s the last thing I do. The only reason I keep practicing is to keep two steps ahead – one step ahead of myself, and one step ahead of Gunner!
Please leave comments for me.

OTHER POSTERS ARE LYING

Please take a moment to read about me and racewalking, and also to get the facts straight from the source. DON’T LISTEN to everything you read – people can be malicious and will lie. I can refute each of Michael’s points.

My Inspiration

My inspiration and my idol is Daniel LaRuso, the Karate Kid. Even though he is not a real person, his emotions and desire were superhuman. Just like Daniel, I have sacrificed for my talent, and I will not stop until I am the best around. Just as Daniel had Johnny is his life, I have Gunner to beat.

You've had your dreams, Daniel-san!! Now I'm going to get mine :-)

Bad Deodorant

I was very disappointed with the performance of my deodorant this week. Met up with an Internet chat person for coffee and it didn’t go well. I wrote a letter to the company, which I will leave nameless, but here is a copy of the letter and a transcript.

To whom it may concern:

I am writing to let you know that I was disappointed with my purchase of your anti-perspirant. It was not effective against sweat, and left a sticky feeling under my arm. The odor, which is usually guarded by some more pleasant smell of the deodorant, is more obvious to those around me. I noticed this recently at a very odd and uncomfortable position, if you know what I mean!!

I am not a sweaty person. I am not hairy either, and I believe that sweat and hair are related, because of follicles. Several people could verify that I am not hairy.

I use your deodorant when I racewalk, but after this incident, I will not consider you as a corporate sponsor. You are missing two major opportunities here: (1) Racewalking is getting HUGE right now, and that would be a great place for you to advertise, and (2) I am an up and coming racewalker, so I would bring a lot of attention to your deodorant.

Good Day,

Ramsey Carlson

Dreams

Don’t let anyone in between you and your dreams. If your dream is racewalking, then you are like me and everyone else on the planet. We suffer for our dreams :-)

Getting Faster

I took 8.8 seconds of my 10K this week. The best one week improvement since this all began. Here is a picture during practice. Here I come, Gunner.

First Posting from The Racewalker

I am Racewalker. That’s what I do. I wanted a chance to tell my side of the story – unedited, untouched - straight from me. You may have heard a thing or two about me – I know it’s a lie. They always lie about me. Just like in seventh grade when I didn’t pee my pants in the quad, and I didn’t cover it up with a jacket. I don’t care what you believe either way. I don’t care, because I’m finally winning.